Mom’s a Co-Sleeper, Dad’s not
My husband and I have been together for eight years, married for two. We’ve been through our fair share of relationship disagreements and have always been able to talk it out. It may take a few heated discussions but we can usually find our way to a solution that works for both of us.
I recognize that it is unreasonable to think that two people will always agree but recently we have been struck with opposing views when it comes to certain parenting issues. Of course we talked about the ways in which we wanted to parent before we had a baby but somehow my whole understanding of parenting changed the second I held my baby in my arms. Who knew?
The first big issue that we’ve been struggling with is co-sleeping. I want to co-sleep but Darren complains that he doesn’t sleep when Parker is in our bed. “What if I role over on him? What if I pull the covers over his head? I don’t have enough space! He’s too restless! I can’t sleep!” I argue that I am the one getting up to nurse him every two hours, and having him sleep with us means I get a few extra minutes of shut-eye. Anyways, we can always buy a bigger bed! Or I’ll put him beside me, instead of in the middle. Round and round the argument goes.
Eight months later and we still can’t agree! I now call it self-preservation instead of co-sleeping. Parker is not a good sleeper. We’ve struggled to get more than a couple hours of straight sleep and naps are almost non-existent. And since I am still the one getting up in the middle of the night to comfort Parker and try to get him back to sleep, I feel entitled to place a limit on the length of time I’ll spend out of bed. My limit is one hour. If I cannot convince Parker to sleep in his crib after an hour, I bring him back to bed with me where inevitably he falls asleep within minutes.
The other issue that has caused us many heated discussions is sleep training. After going on our first date-night and returning home to find Parker still awake, we realized that someone, other than myself, needs to be able to help Parker sleep. So we started researching ways to help him fall asleep on his own.
I’ve borrowed countless books from the library, talked to friends, asked for advice on Twitter and Facebook, and read articles on-line. I’ve concluded that I lean more towards the ‘no-cry’ methods. I believe that when my baby cries there is a reason and if I don’t respond that sends a message to him that his voice doesn’t matter. My husband, on the other hand, believes that it is normal for babies to cry and it is coddling or spoiling them to pick them up every time they cry. He is more apt to lean towards the ‘cry-it-out’ methods. How do you bridge these kinds of differences?
So far we’ve compromised by mixing both our styles together. We end up with a sleep plan that is perhaps a tad inconsistent but has kept us from being at each-others throats. Every night we try to do the same bedtime routine (together when possible) - bathe, quiet play, massage, read, nurse, then to the crib for back rubbing and shhhing and, eventually, sleep. If Parker does not fall asleep within a reasonable amount of time we allow him to cry-it-out for a bit (Darren sets the clock for 5 minutes, I sometimes go in before).
Darren does not pick Parker up if he tries to settle him. I do. However, I put him right back down once he stops crying. Although I may not agree with Darren’s method, he is able to get Parker to sleep within half an hour of putting him down and he usually sleeps more soundly.
However frustrating it can be to have different opinions, our mutual goal to have Parker fall asleep on his own and sleep through the night in his crib ensures that we work together. Reaching this goal will be beneficial to the entire family. I’m positive that having a common goal of raising a happy, healthy child will get us through the next parenting disagreements we come across. However, this has led me to wonder how other parents handle these clashes in opinions.
What do you do when you and your partner disagree on a parenting issue?
~Sarah
Labels: co-sleeping, parenting, Sarah, sleep, sleep training
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